Greek Affair

Alex (18 March 2007)

Let me start by saying that I am in no way exaggerating the following review. Don't listen to any of the other reviews of this restaurant - anyone who doesn't find this place appalling is either ignorant, has never been to another restaurant in their life, or is related to the owner/manager.

This is the 2nd time I have had the misfortune to find myself in this restaurant, both times it has been solely due to the fact that the other Greek place down the street is closed on a Sunday. As a knowledgeable Greek and Londoner, WHY did I make the same mistake twice? Greek Affair is awful, so ungenuine and so embarrassingly bad, that I'm worried I might forget to mention something.

Uncomfortable seats and small cramped tables means that you will be rubbing elbows with the other unfortunate people, who have yet to find out how bad their meal is about to be. The basement section, a stale and smelly pit where they allow smoking, is next to the kitchen, and dark enough that you cannot spot the filthy cutlery and table linen. Upstairs is certainly no better: a pathetic heater on the half-heat setting and a door that doesn't even close, will keep you nice and cold until the unfriendly and unwelcoming manageress comes to finish you off. There were a few short hairs on my side plate, and dried-on tomato sauce stains on the water glasses. The manageress took away the plate after I pointed out the hairs without even so much as a sorry, as if I was being difficult!

Now to the food: the tzatziki was too runny, had too much mint, not enough garlic, and not enough olive oil. The keftedes (meatballs) were dry and tiny, slighty larger than a Malteser, and cost over £1.00 each. The saganaki (fried cheese) was so salty that it made my lips stick together, and it cost about £5.00 for 2 small slices of 25g each. The gigantes (beans in a tomato sauce) were cold, hard and straight out of a tin, but of such a poor quality that I promise you, you couldn't even find that make of tinned food in the cheapest of Indian corner shops in Hackney.

I spotted a newspaper article framed on the wall, which had given their taramosalata a good review, so I thought: why not? It can't get any worse. Oh dear, it was horrible, really. Just go to Waitrose, the standard taramosalata they sell in mass-produced packets tastes far better, more genuine and is better value.

The bread? Oh my god, the bread!!!! Cold, stale and bland, just the way bread tastes when it has been defrosted. They claim to be a Greek restaurant, but they don't even have pitta bread. The rude manageress even got offended when I enquired about why they didn't have pitta bread, incorrectly saying that she could only get Arabic pitta, not Greek. Actually, my dear, Greek pitta is only used for souvlaki. OBVIOUSLY I meant the pitta you can buy in any supermarket, just like they serve in every other Greek restaurant. When I asked for the bread to be toasted, they simply refused.

The main courses: rubbery, cheap and tasteless chicken, whether you choose it roasted or in the white wine sauce, is atrocious. Moussaka and pastitsio are standard, basic Greek dishes, both ruined by a horrible bechamel sauce, and by the quality of minced beef, so course that you wouldn't even find it in Value range at Asda. I dread to think what the poor, unsuspecting diner at the neighbouring table received when he ordered the fish.........The only 2 dishes that were even approaching an acceptable quality and taste were the kleftiko, and the (undercooked) loukaniko: a "traditonal" Greek sausage, except that it wasn't, because it was actually a Cypriot sausage. I know this because we buy them at Green Lanes market every week.

All in all, this was an unforgettable experience; so traumatic, so disappointing, so un-Greek in every possible way.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot..........and the water wasn't even cold, no ice, with a dirty slice of lemon.